Author Archive

It has been quiet here lately. I’ve been quiet. Maybe because my mind has (mostly) been quiet. I haven’t felt any urge or need to write or talk. Sometimes the best way to deal with my problems is to “not worry about them” - so to speak. Forget them for a little while. Of course my little demons remind me of their existence now and then… but I’ve managed to keep them pretty quiet. My thoughts have been quiet.

And yet I have been troubled. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time and generally I feel pretty good. To some extent I’ve managed to subdue the inner voice that is constantly feeding my fear of dying or getting sick. I hear it and it affects my mood but I can resist the urge to run to the nearest doctor or scream “I’ve got [enter your favorite deadly deciese here] and I’m going to die within five minutes!!!”

But I have been troubled. I started smoking again and that troubles me. I see all the things I have achieved in life so far and I don’t fully realize how magnificent they are - and that troubles me. I don’t feel content when I know I should… and that troubles me.

So my current mission is to experience content. That doesn’t mean that I have to stop pursuing new adventures. It just means that I have to learn to savour the moment. To experience the joy of achievement. To experience gratitute for what I have (which is a lot). And to feel lucky and blessed.

To reach content I will have to be positive. That is my next step. Turn negative thoughts into positive paths. Be thankful. Feel blessed. Think positive.

I don’t know why I’m crowding the interweb with these thoughs. I don’t know if they contain anything relevant or helpful to others. The only thing I do know is that they contain my personal experience. My journey. And maybe - in a sea of souls - there are others out there that share my journey and will take comfort from the fact that they are not alone.

Recently, Josh wrote a post about self-diagnosis. I started to comment on it but soon realized that writing a follow-up post would be a better idea. Because just a couple of weeks ago I had lung cancer. Through self-diagnosis. That was fun…

This anxiety thing is a rollercoaster ride. You go up, you go down. I’ve been going up and down for the past few months (a year, actually) but to me that is progress because it used to be all downhill. And a couple of weeks ago I went down… apparently with lung cancer (and later, stomach cancer)… or anxiety.

I always seem to end up in “The Pit of Self Diagnosis”, though. I am very scared of falling ill with some fatal disease and I am definitely a hypochondriac. So when my anxiety sets in, I start selling myself this story, see?

I tell myself: “Come on! You’re rational enough, and besides, lately the anxiety has been better and you really, really, REALLY, are having authentic symptoms this time and you’ll be able to not go with the cancer thing and… It will make you feel better to see it’s just the flu or the common cold…“

And there I am. Googling again. And a few seconds later I’ve got cancer. Or a brain tumor. Or anything that is fatal - the faster it kills, the more likely I am to have it. Yay! The fun never stops if you ride the anxiety rollercoaster!

Of course I realized, after a few days, that I probably didn’t have lung cancer or other terminal diseases. Even though I had been messing with cigarettes again for a couple of months (which, initially triggered “the cough”, which triggered “the mucus”, which triggered the “lung cancer”).

So, I think I need to stop listening to “the story”. I have to stop believing my own BS and realize that it is anxiety - and if it is not (and I really have some awful disease) there probably isn’t much I can do about it anyway… and I should probably just see a doctor.

I’ve reached the top of the hill again! To those who’ve read my previous posts this will make some sense. For others… well, let me explain.

As most you you know anxiety can be a rollercoster ride. A couple of months ago I felt pretty good but then something happened that made me stumble a bit. I rolled down the hill. During these past two months I’ve been steadily climbing upwards again and - thankfully - I am back on top.

The past few weeks have been like a small cumulative miracle. Things have happened. I have been forced to deal with situations where I thought I would fail - even die - and I would have avoided quite willingly if I had been given a choice. These situations have been both big and small but they have all represented things that have scared my or things that I thought I could never deal with. I was wrong.

To clarify, these situations haven’t involved anything bad, sad or hurtful. That is, perhaps, the “funny” part. An example would be a situation where I had to speak in front of a big crowd of important people about something that was very important to me. This was something I thought I couldn’t handle. I was sure that the stress would simply kill me. I would fall down completly and utterly dead. Didn’t happen. I spoke. I lived. Yay!

And during this little trip I’ve had fun! Increadible fun. I haven’t enjoyed my daily life like this since… well, since I was a teenager, probably. I feel very much alive. I feel carefree and relaxed. Even though I’ve gone through more tension during the past couple of weeks than ever before. Things are moving fast - in a swirl - and I am pretty calm. Amazing.

I’ve even felt the claw of anxiety creep up on me and I was able to brush it away. “No heart attack today.” I said. “No blood clot or brain tumor, thank you very much.” And the anxiety just stopped dead cold. It crawled back into the darkness.

Will this last forever? Probably not. How long will it last? I don’t know. Will I roll down that hill again? Probably, yes. What will happen then? I will climb back up. Because being on top is breathtaking.

My last post described how a small thing completely knocked me off my feet - how I went from feeling pretty much anxiety free to being afraid of my imminent doom - and how that affected me.

I’m up again. I’m feeling better. I even realized that the “slip” wasn’t all bad because it showed me how far I’ve come. It startled me when I actually felt the difference between “the old” and “the new”. When I fell, I had somewhere to fall from. This realization is fantastic.

I also realize now that I am more sensitive than I thought. It is easier to knock me off my feet than I knew. And there is my new battlefront. As soon as I’ve completely gotten rid of “the feeling of forthcoming doom”, which still rises in me now and then, I’m going to work on my mental toughness. I’m slowly getting to that place again, where I can brush off negative thoughts. When I’m there I’m going to focus on things that might unsettle me and how I can deal with them.

All advice would be welcome.

“Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith.”
— Author Unknown

Three weeks ago I got a letter. It turned my world upside down. I had been feeling pretty good. Doing well. A letter. Everything suddenly changed.

The letter was almost insignificant. A small piece of paper that instructed me to see my doctor for an innocent checkup. Nothing special. I still got the chills when I read it. I got angry. I was really upset because to me the letter clearly indicated that someone, somewhere, thought I was really sick. The sender thought that there was something wrong with me.

I fumed for a couple of days. I was driving my wife mad. A single letter - 8 lines - had managed to set me back big time. I hadn’t felt this bad for months. I was slipping. Fast.

I’ve already gone to the doctor and I’ve even gotten the results. I am fine. Of course. But I am not. I lost my footing. I fell. Not far (I’m still a long way from that lowest point on the valley floor) but it still hurts. I’ve started moving up again but I feel that I lost some momentum.

But that’s how it goes. You climb, you fall, you pick yourself up and you keep moving. Control the mind, control the climb.

One thing I’ve realized lately is just how powerful a thought can be. When you think about being in pain you project pain upon yourself. You start to feel pain. When you think about the fear of dying you begin to feal that fear. You begin to die. The thought process is the same. You are actually preparing for your impeading doom and the fear of death is realized fully and in reality.

So. You have to train yourself to let go. To move away from that reality and tell yourself that it is enough to face it when the time comes. When you actually are in pain or when you are actually facing death. It is enough to experience and live through it when it happens and there is no need to go through an imagined projection of the situation.

Six months ago I knew I was in trouble. Anxiety and stress were pushing me towards an early grave. I started to feel depressed. Dangerously depressed. The light was starting to fade, the darkness was setting in and I embodied fear. I was fearful, pessimistic and on the edge.

But I’ve always been a “doer”. I do. That’s me. I move, I shake, I mold and I get things done. My way. I take control. Movement keeps me healthy. That’s what I’ve always told myself. Never stay still. Don’t stop. Don’t hesitate.

And I’m not just talking about physical movement. I’m talking about emotional movement. Spiritual movement. Intellectual movement. Movement through time, changing my surroundings, myself. Just movement in any form you can find it.

So I did something. I reached out. I found a society on the web - www.panicsurvivor.com - and that’s where I met Josh and Cindy (and many others). It helped a lot. For one thing it swept away my loneliness.

I saw endless posts that could have been written by me. They described experiences and feelings I truly knew as my own. I recognized the fear and the anxiety. I recognized the awareness of sure madness that was clouded by doubt. “I know this chest pain is just anxiety related but still… what if it isn’t!”.

Slowly but surely this feeling of community began stripping away my own fears. A wonderful doctor and an incredible family also helped tremendously but the community was key. I also initiated big changes in my life. Then I began writing posts for WeWorry.

And then I disappeared.

Why? Because I suddenly felt different. I think I discovered something I wasn’t really looking for (or looking out for). I’m a doer. I keep moving. I never stop. Until recently.

Without trying I’ve seemed to have learned that it is okay to stop for awhile. To enjoy the present, smile, breathe and reflect on both past and future. It is okay to relax.

This might seem obvious. It might even seem trivial. But to me it was neither. By constantly moving I was able to drown my constantly chattering brain with white noise. I was able to silence the voices of anxiety and worry almost perfectly. The keyword here is ALMOST.

They never stopped. They never gave up. That meant that they were always there when I had nothing to over shout them with. And they were constantly growing louder and louder.

So I finally decided to face them. Some I managed to silence for good, some I learned to control better. Some I even listen to, from time to time. But most of all I realized that movement won’t save me from myself. Movement is still important because I have to keep pushing myself but I also have to face my fears and I have to be able to stop. To enjoy now.

So I suddenly felt different. I felt no need to visit PanicSurvivor or WeWorry. Maybe a part of me was afraid of it. Feeling that if I did my anxiety and worry would come back with a vengeance. Like opening the door out of curiosity only to find out that the monster is still there.

But now I’m back. Mainly to stay focused, tell my stories and move on (keep moving). And, of course, to keep up the fight. Because I know the monster is still there. It’s just sleeping, at the moment. And while it slept I was able to tie it down. I hope the rope will hold.

P.S. One advice. I changed my diet. I’ve lost 18 pounds. It works wonders.

I took some time off from anxiety. It was good. I was able to relax and have fun. Now I’m back - not that I really wanted to come back to anxiety… But I’m definitely back. In fact I got back 2-3 days ago. I’ve had a “condition” for a couple of weeks. Nothing serious. Nothing to worry about. I still went to the doctor who checked me out, gave me a prescription and sent me out the door. I was fine. The doctors appointment had been a clear headed call by a normal person - me.

The drugs from the doctor didn’t work. The condition was still there. And I wasn’t getting any better. Finally - 2 or 3 days ago - I could no longer resist that greatest of all urges (when you have anxiety disorder). I googled.

This is the worst thing anyone with anxiety can do. Using Google for self-diagnosis is - at best - very very bad. If you search for any condition long enough you will always end up with cancer. Or something equally bad.

And, of course, that was the result of my self-diagnosis. Slowly, but surely, I somehow worked my way towards the worst possible decease that matched my condition and when I found it I started matching vague pains and feelings to other symptoms. Suddenly I was deadly sick and anxiety started to settle in again. It is truly like that terrible guest that appears and never leaves again.

So I spend 2-3 days in total fear for my life. I go back to the doctor and he takes another look. Conclusion. Of course my google self-diagnosis was just ridiculous and there is nothing wrong with me. Of course I’ve again spent a part of my life worrying about something that wasn’t real.

The lesson? If you have a condition, stay away from google. And, yeah. You can actually take a break from anxiety. And that’s the positive experience. So I think I’ll take another one right now…

“The prospect of a long day at the beach makes me panic. There is no harder work I can think of than taking myself off to somewhere pleasant, where I am forced to stay for hours and ‘have fun’.”

— Phillip Lopate

Here are three very powerful and very easy things I try to do on a regular basis to reduce stress and control my anxiety. These have worked for me and I know that these methods have even been scientifically proven - they reduce blood pressure, reduce stress hormones and increase the release of other chemicals in the body that create a feeling of wellness. I’ll write more about these scientific measures at a later date, though.

For now I just want to introduce you to three of my favorite methods for dealing with stress, anxiety and life, in general. They are all completely free and incredibly easy to learn (because you know them already). The key to make these methods work for you is practice. Like with everything else, practice makes perfect.

1. Belly Breathing - A few deep breaths can instantly relieve stress. Take a slow, deep breath and try to imagine that you are inflating a balloon in your stomach. When “the balloon is full” hold your breath for approximately 4 seconds and then release your breath slowly. Repeat 10 times. Some people (even scholars) think this is the quickest, most efficient way to relax. It can even help with high blood pressure. Daily practice can reduce overall stress and anxiety. Try to begin and end each day by doing this.
2. Smile - A smile is a very powerful thing - even when it is forced. The brain somehow tries to authenticate a forced smile so within a few seconds it has conjured up happy memories that turn that fake and forced smile into a genuine reflection of feeling good. Just try it out. And smiling is an instant relief for pain, anxiety and stress. Thinking about a loved one, a happy moment, a wonderful time. It brings a smile and makes it impossible to be bothered by stress.
3. Slowing down - It is really important to learn how to slow down. Take the time to enjoy each moment. To focus on what you are doing right now. Look at something - a flower or running water, for instance - and focus on it completely. Direct all your attention towards it. Listen to it. Smell it. Feel it. Let your mind wander. Accept the world - at that moment - for what it is, with all its pain and all its pleasure. Embrace the moment and just feel calm. Don’t think about what you’ll have to do next or what is waiting for you. Just think about your point of focus. Try to notice the taste of your food, the next time you eat. Really focus on the taste and think about the texture, the flavor, the toughness, etc. Slow down. Relax. Enjoy this moment, for it too will pass.

I feel my life is like having the finest whiskey in the world served in a dirty glass. How does that make sense (you ask)? Well, if we consider the fact that I really like good whiskey but dislike dirty glasses, then the similarity to how anxiety can stain my love for life becomes clear.

I would still drink the whiskey, though. And I still love life.

Death is a constant worry for me. It is at the core of my anxiety - that fear of death - and I know now that I have to deal with it. I’ve thought a lot about death over the years (and I really mean A LOT), which is kind of sad, when I think about it, because the time I invest in thinking about death is actually a waste of my… What… Life? Yup.

But still - I’ve thought long and hard. I imagine that a lot of people who read this blog have shared a similar experience. Most of us have probably formulated a number of concepts and ideas about death, the meaning of life and everything (42 anybody?). I’ve wondered about what lies beyond, the why and what for of death. I’ve reached a number of conclusions that all contradict each other, prove nothing and offer no final solution.

But a short while ago something struck me. I saw death not as foe but as friend. So today I believe that death is mans greatest motivator. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say but please bear with me because, in my mind, there is no doubt about the truth of this.

He is whom we race against through life. He is a restless competitor and although some of us are able to luckily cheat death for a while he always catches up eventually. Death breaths down our necks, pushes us on, challenges us to leave something remarkable behind when the race is over.

So death motivates us to try to live better lives, longer lives, even forever. We try to attain immortality through our achievements, our family and our day-to-day actions. We hope to be remembered so we may live on. We hope our blood will be carried by future generations.

And death will give us no clue as to what lies ahead after that great race through life. So we are further motivated to make good decisions. To be good. To act the way we think God wants us to act, in case there is a God and in case there is an afterlife. Better safe than sorry, right?

Although the thought of No Thing after death is, to some extent, quite liberating. If there is No Thing then we are free to look at life from another angle. We are more free in our actions and thought. We are forced to appreciate life more. It becomes more valuable and delicate.

But if, indeed, there is a God then his gift to us is surely the ability to create. Perhaps that is the true meaning of man being created in God’s image? Just think what can be achieved if we all decided o­n something, every single person at the same time - to end all hunger, for instance. It would be done. Tomorrow it would be done. But I digress. Its Saturday. I’m tired. Where was I? Oh, yes! I was focusing o­n death (that’s so out of character for me… NOT).

Death is my personal motivator. I race against it. I need to achieve certain things before I go. I need to see certain places. I need to have more children, to make sure I will be remembered for something. I need to feel that I used life fairly and beautifully. I need to affect and inspire others. I want to make a difference.

Death has done this for me. Maybe I can begin to accept it by looking at what it has given. And acceptance is something a lot of us, people who worry constantly, are finding hard to come by. But accepting death is merely hard while denying it is impossible.

I admit it. I am one of those people who feed the animals at the zoo, completely ignoring the horde of “Do NOT feed the animals” signs. I am also one of those people who will try to connect two completely unrelated things together though obscure logic and shady analogies.

So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, then, that I also “feed the anxiety animal” (see - shady analogy…) even though I know it is a fairly bad idea. Just like trying to getting lions to eat from my hand at the zoo (I just can’t stop myself from referring to the zoo thing because the feeding connection makes me feel so clever).

Every day, almost constantly, I’m feeding anxiety. It is like my brain has some sort of a special process that runs underneath everything else and this process is dedicated to create food for my anxiety. With regular intervals the process interrupts me, during my daily routine, just to let me know that it has found (or created) yet another fantastic deadly disease that could very possibly be tied to that small ache in my chest/arm/leg/head/toe/nose/throat/stomach/behind.

In a single day I’ve been able to convince myself that I am dying from multiple cancers, heart disease, brain tumors and the flu. And, of course, the Law states that as soon as a person becomes aware of having some disease, that person will instantly feel the full force of named disease and die horribly. On the spot. Or, at least, that’s what Hollywood has thought us. But, then again, they only have 90 minutes to cover the entire lifespan of their characters…

But hey! That’s what panic is all about people. As soon as I’ve been able to convince myself that I am currently dying from a particular disease, I feel death approaching - fast. By feeding my anxiety from morning to midnight, I am able to guarantee yet another Panic driven ride towards painful death… Or so I believe… up to a few times a week… And I’m still here… But that’s beside the point (or is it?).

The point I am trying to make (however feebly and in a manner that is completely devoid of logic) is that I (we) somehow have to stop feeding my anxiety. I have to stop selling myself short, as well. My inner dialogue almost always represents me as weak, fragile, sick, unable, etc. I am, thus, totally convinced that I can’t handle trouble, pains, problems and normal life difficulties to the same extent as “normal” people. Even though, through my life, I’ve come to know that this is not the truth. It is the complete opposite of truth. But my mind twists it and then feeds the result to my anxiety.

There are ways to stop feeding the anxiety. Mindfulness is one. Breathing correctly is another. Positive thinking. Slowing down. Learning to say “No”. Meditation and, of course, medication.

I’m trying to use some of these things. Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes I’m not. That is - I suppose - how life goes. I know I’ll never be completely free of anxiety and panic. Sometimes I just can’t help myself - I start feeding my anxiety, unable to control it - but sometimes I can control it. I can starve the anxiety monster. At least for a little while.