Recently, Josh wrote a post about self-diagnosis. I started to comment on it but soon realized that writing a follow-up post would be a better idea. Because just a couple of weeks ago I had lung cancer. Through self-diagnosis. That was fun…
This anxiety thing is a rollercoaster ride. You go up, you go down. I’ve been going up and down for the past few months (a year, actually) but to me that is progress because it used to be all downhill. And a couple of weeks ago I went down… apparently with lung cancer (and later, stomach cancer)… or anxiety.
I always seem to end up in “The Pit of Self Diagnosis”, though. I am very scared of falling ill with some fatal disease and I am definitely a hypochondriac. So when my anxiety sets in, I start selling myself this story, see?
I tell myself: “Come on! You’re rational enough, and besides, lately the anxiety has been better and you really, really, REALLY, are having authentic symptoms this time and you’ll be able to not go with the cancer thing and… It will make you feel better to see it’s just the flu or the common cold…“
And there I am. Googling again. And a few seconds later I’ve got cancer. Or a brain tumor. Or anything that is fatal - the faster it kills, the more likely I am to have it. Yay! The fun never stops if you ride the anxiety rollercoaster!
Of course I realized, after a few days, that I probably didn’t have lung cancer or other terminal diseases. Even though I had been messing with cigarettes again for a couple of months (which, initially triggered “the cough”, which triggered “the mucus”, which triggered the “lung cancer”).
So, I think I need to stop listening to “the story”. I have to stop believing my own BS and realize that it is anxiety - and if it is not (and I really have some awful disease) there probably isn’t much I can do about it anyway… and I should probably just see a doctor.
3 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 9, 2007 at 2:49 am
LadyFiona
Yes, yes. I’ve had an aneurysm, DVT leading to pulmonary embolism, and ovarian cancer (which only has like a 25% survival rate…). If it’s highly fatal, has few recognizable symptoms, I probably have it. So I’m not the only nut-job around who does this. That’s a relief. What makes it all worse is that I was afraid I had ovarian cancer…and I did have a tumor, the size of a football. All benign, thank God, but a tumor nonetheless, which merely reinforces my fears. I had some vague symptoms, I chocked them all up to my anxiety disorder, and I had a huge tumor. Not reassuring AT ALL. The best part about the whole thing was I felt someone was looking out for me, because if I hadn’t gotten pregnant and gone in for an ultrasound, the tumor might have remained unnoticed for a while. It was already twisting. I could have cut off blood flow or ruptured and caused major bleeding and damage to my entire reproductive system, instead of just the affected ovary. She’s my life saver, my miracle. In the heat of a full blown attack it’s hard to see reason, but why would God go to so much trouble to head off a potentially disastrous incident with that tumor, just to smite me down with some other deadly medical malady? Food for thought. Sorry if this is all too much information, but writing it down is therapeutic
November 13, 2007 at 1:00 pm
constant worry
This posting about self diagnosing yourself was actually how I found out that I had GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). After almost losing my job this time last year, for political reasons not because I’m a bad employee. And I got to stay around and watch myself get screwed by the boss by putting his buddy in my position, although it was supposed to have been eliminated. After buying a house, vehicle, etc a couple of months earlier the walls came crashing down. I didn’t want to move away from my girlfriend and family because I had just moved back to my hometown after being gone for seven years. After constant worry and anxiety, it eventually turned into depression. I didn’t get any enjoyment out of anything; life, family, friends, zero. I didn’t know what to do or how to address the issue. With all of the stress, anxiety, and depression, I started to show signs of what I thought were blood sugar problems. I would get weak, shaky, cold sweat and light headed. It got so bad that I couldn’t focus on my work, to pay bills, became isolated, and I didn’t want to get out of the house to do anything. I started to read about anxiety and panic disorders and realized after a visit with my family doctor, bloodwork, and a cardiologist that showed no problems whatsoever, this was when I realized that I had been having panic attacks. After I had realized what this “thing” was that had such a hold on my mental well being, I went back to my doctor and gave him my self diagnosis. Surprisingly, he agreed with my diagnosis and we discussed medications. As of a year later, I’m somewhat better, if there is such a normative way of stating that I’m better. What is better? What is normal? But, the sickness if still there. The constant worrying never goes away. It’s still hard to enjoy things sometimes because my mind never quits turning and lamenting on negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. And the thing is, I have alot to be thankful for. The medication had helped but its not a cure-all. I feel as if my life is unsecure: relationships, job, house, anything and everything. It’s not so much that I’m not content, but the constant worrying is what keeps me down. Mentally, I stay worn out from all the negative thoughts that race through my mind ninety percent of the time. I wonder if it will be any better if I were to change jobs? I know this doesn’t sound as serious as some other situations that people have endured but it’s the same to me. It has the same effect on myself as with other people and their issues.
February 19, 2008 at 1:52 am
Angela Szazynski
Dear Constant Worry,
It’s amazing how similiar are thought processes are…
I’ve battled the things you speak of for most of my life…
Recently I have found relief when I discovered that my deepest need was to know the one who created us—God…
I’ve never been a church going person and I’m still not but Jesus has set me free from myself—my greatest enemy…
If you would like to dialog feel free to contact me at theang02@gmail.com