Monthly Archive

Hi All –

I’ve been checking in about once a day, but since we’re traveling and I don’t have too much access to a computer I have been very distracted from writing and posting!!

So, I just wanted to say hi, to say thanks for all the great posts and links to articles. I have printed some of them out so that I can read them on the plane.

I travel home on Wednesday (1/31) and so should be back “up and running” by Thursday sometime!!

Be well. Stay relaxed!

Hi, I’m Pete. By way of introduction, let me tell you two stories.

One particular day my wife had a class at 5:00, but she said they would just be getting into groups for an assignment and she should be out most likely by 5:45 or 6:00. I decided to hang out in my office and she could call me when she was done. Except that 6:00 came and went, then 6:30, and then it was coming up on 7:00 when my building closes. I couldn’t imagine what had happened to her. Or, rather, I could imagine all kinds of horrible things. She might have had an accident on the way to school. Maybe we got our signals crossed and she was expecting me to take the bus home. When do busses stop running in Detroit? It’s past 7:00 now, maybe they’re already done. Do I even have change? Her cell phone just kicks over to voicemail, so that’s even more frustrating. My my office was locked up so I had to get out and wander around our corner of Detroit worrying about the intentions of every man I saw walking towards me. I had no idea what to do, I was out of my mind, paralyzed by panic.

That’s how that story would have run if it had happened this past August. That was before medication, before therapy, and above all before I had a good understanding of how anxiety and panic were colouring my perception of the world. This is how it actually happened last night: I was hanging out in my office expecting to hear from my wife at about 5:45 or 6:00, but by nearly 7:00, when the office floors of my building lock up for the night, I still hadn’t heard anything and her cell phone just kicked over to voicemail. It occurred to me that she might have had an accident or that maybe I had misunderstood and she was expecting me to take the bus home. It also occurred to me that maybe the prof had decided to talk a lot longer about the group project than she had thought he would. I couldn’t stay in my office anymore, so I walked over to the parking structure to see if the car is in the usual spot. On the way my phone buzzed. Her class rang longer than she thought and she couldn’t get out to call me earlier, but she’d be at the car in 5 minutes.

Obviously this isn’t saying much about how you can overcome anxiety, nor is there any one way to do it. Everyone has to find what works for them and then stick with it until it stops working. My point here is that you can get better. During the Summer I would hardly have believed it was possible to feel calm again. It seemed like it was against the laws of nature, this is how I was and it was how I would stay. Now I can hardly put myself back in my old mindset. Overcoming anxiety isn’t easy, but regardless of what your panic tells you, it is very possible and you have to KNOW that.

The Independent, a UK paper, recently published an article about Matthieu Ricard. Here’s an excerpt:

To scientists, he is the world’s happiest man. His level of mind control is astonishing and the upbeat impulses in his brain are off the scale.

Now Matthieu Ricard, 60, a French academic-turned-Buddhist monk, is to share his secrets to make the world a happier place. The trick, he reckons, is to put some effort into it. In essence, happiness is a “skill” to be learned.

[...]

…Ricard, who is the French interpreter for Tibet’s spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, took part in trials to show that brain training in the form of meditation can cause an overwhelming change in levels of happiness.

MRI scans showed that he and other long-term meditators - who had completed more than 10,000 hours each - experienced a huge level of “positive emotions” in the left pre-frontal cortex of the brain, which is associated with happiness. The right-hand side, which handles negative thoughts, is suppressed.

I’d love to quote more but I don’t want to step on any copyright toes, so just read the article. It’s short. Science is only now beginning to confirm what Buddhists (and some other meditation-based groups) have known for millennia: happiness is achievable by anyone who is willing to work for it. While there may be many routes to achieve such things, meditation is the most proven.

I do take one issue with this article in that it refers to meditation as teaching “mind control” and “suppression.” This is wrong. I’m unaware of any Buddhist tradition (or non-Buddhist tradition) that attempts to control the mind or suppress negative feelings. In fact, meditation is exactly the opposite. Meditation is a method of allowing negative feelings to enter the mind without judgment. We don’t solve problems during meditation, we just see them so clearly that we let go of them. We allow them to dry up and disappear.

Many people misunderstand meditation as mind control. Meditation is not mind control. Mind control is impossible. Meditation is simply a way to train the mind to see through all of our bull. It allows us to see how we treat ourselves and others without entering into an internal dialogue as to justify our actions. It’s a way of looking at ourselves to discover the painful truths which we consistently hide from, and, eventually it’s a way to discover that true happiness comes in the revelation that all of life is transient and is to be cherished while it’s here. It teaches us to live right here, right now, in this very moment, because it will soon be gone.

This is something we can all achieve. It is not magical, mystical, or reserved for hermits who sit in caves for years on end. This is something you can do on your own, just as you would exercise every day if you wanted to lose weight. And there’s the caveat: it requires diligence, practice, and persistence even when it feels like a waste of time. In this respect, it is very similar to physical exercise: we have to be willing to do it on a regular basis and suspend our desire for immediate results. If you’d like to learn more on meditation or Buddhism, check out my list of recommended books. Two in particular: Breath by Breath by Larry Rosenberg, and Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. These two books have taught me more about meditation, life, and happiness than anything else I’ve ever read.

I heard a few interesting stories this morning on NPR about magnetic pulse treatment, or transcranial magnetic stimulation, as a potential last-resort treatment for depression. The concept behind this treatment is to provide the brain with a magnetic pulse that stimulates neurons. It’s similar to another treatment which works in the same fashion but uses small electrical currents as opposed to magnetic fields. You can follow the links above to hear two short audio clips (from NPR) about this treatment.

I’m a skeptic, but hey, as long as it doesn’t hurt anything…

I’d like to write some posts on Jung’s psychology and how it has helped me deal with panic and anxiety. I don’t want to write long missives or treatises, so I just thought I’d put my intention out here for a few days and then post some stuff. If anyone finds it too boring or confusing just tell me to shut up!!

In a nice way, of course! LOL!

Scientific American has this article about TeenScreen, a new “national mental health and suicide risk screening program…” for teenagers.

Past studies have revealed that parents do not know of suicide attempts 90 percent of the time. In fact, roughly one third to two thirds of suicidal teens do not reveal past attempts to anyone.

Teens with mental disorders are at even greater risk—roughly 90 percent of teens who died by suicide had a psychiatric illness at the time of their deaths, according to research by child psychologist David Shaffer at Columbia University. Nearly two thirds of youth who die by suicide exhibit psychiatric symptoms for more than a year beforehand, which makes this time a significant window for potential intervention.

Flynn is now executive director of TeenScreen, a national mental health and suicide risk screening program based on Shaffer’s research. In 2005 the program screened more than 55,000 teens at 460 sites in 42 states and they hope to have exceeded 500 sites by the end of 2006. “The idea is to identify risks early to prevent tragedies,” Flynn says. “It’s amazing when kids who are really struggling and don’t know why then learn what’s going on and that there are things that can help.”

Keep in mind that this screening program is not mandatory. Given this, I’m a bit surprised at the controversy that TeenScreen has caused. The article mentions a number of critics — including Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tex.) — although none are directly quoted in any detail. It speaks volumes to note that some people are actually opposed to mental health screening. Yes, opposed to it. What good could possibly come from opposing something as potentially beneficial as a simple mental health screening? From my standpoint, the only thing one could possibly gain is denial. Although attitudes are changing, much of our society still ostracizes and stigmatizes people with mental/emotional problems. It’s a damn shame.

Of course there will always be a debate on the details of such screenings, and such debate is both necessary and critical to the program’s success; but forthright opposition to screening makes no sense to me. If a teen is feeling suicidal, then it is crucial that he or she receive treatment as soon as possible. Some people want to pretend that depression is something that happens only to weak people, the ones who take medications they don’t need and whine to psychiatrists. But this cultural construct is bullshit and it’s high time that our society recognizes mental illnesses as potentially affecting everyone, even those who routinely deny their own weaknesses.

Would you oppose a screening for diabetes? What about scoliosis screenings? Hearing and vision screenings? The only difference between these common screenings and mental health screening is the social stigma attached to mental illness. That’s it.

I fully understand the concerns about pharmaceutical companies pushing anti-depressants onto teens and pre-teen children. Anti-depressants are greatly abused in the United States and other Western countries, especially when it comes to children. But medication is not the only approach to healing emotional pain, and some treatment is better than no treatment, whether or not medication is a part of that treatment. Denying the problem will not make it go away.

Visit the TeenScreen website for more on the program.

Six months ago I knew I was in trouble. Anxiety and stress were pushing me towards an early grave. I started to feel depressed. Dangerously depressed. The light was starting to fade, the darkness was setting in and I embodied fear. I was fearful, pessimistic and on the edge.

But I’ve always been a “doer”. I do. That’s me. I move, I shake, I mold and I get things done. My way. I take control. Movement keeps me healthy. That’s what I’ve always told myself. Never stay still. Don’t stop. Don’t hesitate.

And I’m not just talking about physical movement. I’m talking about emotional movement. Spiritual movement. Intellectual movement. Movement through time, changing my surroundings, myself. Just movement in any form you can find it.

So I did something. I reached out. I found a society on the web - www.panicsurvivor.com - and that’s where I met Josh and Cindy (and many others). It helped a lot. For one thing it swept away my loneliness.

I saw endless posts that could have been written by me. They described experiences and feelings I truly knew as my own. I recognized the fear and the anxiety. I recognized the awareness of sure madness that was clouded by doubt. “I know this chest pain is just anxiety related but still… what if it isn’t!”.

Slowly but surely this feeling of community began stripping away my own fears. A wonderful doctor and an incredible family also helped tremendously but the community was key. I also initiated big changes in my life. Then I began writing posts for WeWorry.

And then I disappeared.

Why? Because I suddenly felt different. I think I discovered something I wasn’t really looking for (or looking out for). I’m a doer. I keep moving. I never stop. Until recently.

Without trying I’ve seemed to have learned that it is okay to stop for awhile. To enjoy the present, smile, breathe and reflect on both past and future. It is okay to relax.

This might seem obvious. It might even seem trivial. But to me it was neither. By constantly moving I was able to drown my constantly chattering brain with white noise. I was able to silence the voices of anxiety and worry almost perfectly. The keyword here is ALMOST.

They never stopped. They never gave up. That meant that they were always there when I had nothing to over shout them with. And they were constantly growing louder and louder.

So I finally decided to face them. Some I managed to silence for good, some I learned to control better. Some I even listen to, from time to time. But most of all I realized that movement won’t save me from myself. Movement is still important because I have to keep pushing myself but I also have to face my fears and I have to be able to stop. To enjoy now.

So I suddenly felt different. I felt no need to visit PanicSurvivor or WeWorry. Maybe a part of me was afraid of it. Feeling that if I did my anxiety and worry would come back with a vengeance. Like opening the door out of curiosity only to find out that the monster is still there.

But now I’m back. Mainly to stay focused, tell my stories and move on (keep moving). And, of course, to keep up the fight. Because I know the monster is still there. It’s just sleeping, at the moment. And while it slept I was able to tie it down. I hope the rope will hold.

P.S. One advice. I changed my diet. I’ve lost 18 pounds. It works wonders.

I am finding that my level of anxiety is directly and proportionally linked to the way I talk.

Big news, right?

But for me it is another moment of self-awareness. When I find myself talking to others and hear myself using phrases like “huge problem” and “biggest fear” I am literally talking myself into panic. I am blowing my fear up into a larger-than-life issue. I’m creating a new perspective for that fear (or symptom).

Journalling and blogging helps because I can see just how many times I refer to something, or repeat something, and I can reflect on that and see if I am working myself up into a lather.

Meditation, focused breathing, or a nice, brisk walk helps me calm down. There are many things I can do to get my THINKING back on track, and to put my ‘problem’ in its true perspective. It is more-often-than-not just a thought or a fear. The thing I talk about is rarely my actual ‘biggest’ problem. So I am now focusing on how I talk, the words I use and perhaps I’ll find myself less afraid. A little less anxious.

Well, actually I know that I’ll find myself a little less afraid and a little less anxious. That’s how it works!!

Here’s a story from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel about a woman whose phobia of doctors and “medical settings” caused her to overlook the growth of a uterine fibroid, a “benign [tumor] composed of muscle and connective tissue that develop within or along the uterine wall.” Her tumor had grown so large that she appeared to be seven months pregnant.

Interestingly, her phobia doesn’t seem to have been directly connected with a fear of disease. Rather, it was doctors, hospitals and the like that caused her anxiety, which manifested in the form of a panic attack. Most of us deal with a fear of disease, which in turn often translates to a fear of death, and this usually have two outcomes: 1) We seek a doctor’s assistance more often in the hopes that it’ll allay our fears; or 2) We avoid doctors because the thought of discovering illness is enough to provoke anxiety.

If you fall into the first category, here’s a bit of advice: You should always see a doctor when you’re concerned about serious health problems, but once you’ve done so, you have to let it go. You can visit a doctor every week and your fears would still not be contained. Constantly seeking reassurance only encourages anxiety and allows it take root. You have to find the strength to resist the urge to run to the doctor every time you sneeze. Try to be rational about it by explaining your symptoms to an unbiased third-party.

If you’re a member of the second category, try to keep regular doctor’s appointments regardless of how you feel. This allows you to experience the doctor’s office without the fear of discovering a terrible illness. If you were to visit only when you’re experiencing high anxiety, then you’ll quickly associate the doctor with high anxiety.

“This we can all bear witness to, living as we do plagued by unremitting anxiety. It becomes more and more imperative that the life of the spirit be avowed as the only firm basis upon which to establish happiness and peace.” — Dalai Lama

In my last post I wrote a little bit about sleep and anxiety, but I didn’t really provide any real information or even a good lead. So I will now remedy that by pointing you to the National Sleep Foundation’s web site. There’s a load of good stuff there, including information on sleep disorders, medications, pregnancy, teens, and a nifty little section for those of us who have trouble falling asleep. Check it out.

I’ve noticed lately that I’m getting easily offended. This came to my attention yesterday when, for the third time, I realized I was irritated.

Now, this may sound strange– so what if I’m irritated? But I have spent years and years dealing with anxiety and panic and one of the results of this is that most of my life is now spent in a kind of serene place of presence. I’m fortunate that the meds I took, the therapies I’ve worked through, the reading, the massage, the reiki, etc have all combined to help me live an extraordinarily fruitful and peaceful life.

Until yesterday. When I realized I was so darn irritated.

I took some time in the afternoon to meditate and then to sit with myself. I remembered the situations, the interactions, that offended me. I was feeling pretty peaceful and so I just held them in my mind. And I began to see a common thread. (Besides ME, of course!)

The common thread in each of the irritating situations was that I was afraid. In one I was afraid of being wrong. In another, I was afraid of making a mistake. In another, I was afraid of being manipulated. That instant of fear, that clenching, that shallow, quick intake of breath — that was the common thread.

And I remember that from days of relentless Panic and Anxiety. I remember when that physical state was my constant companion. Now, after a rather long absence, it was making an appearance. I was able to sit yesterday afternoon in my living room, looking out into the backyard, and just rest with that thought. No judgment. No fixing things. No rush to action.

And it occured to me that this is another bit of growth. That recognizing my own irritation, and my own bodily reaction to fear, I am able to BE present with fear. It doesn’t have to justify itself. It just comes. And fear doesn’t have to take up permanent residence to get my attention. I am able to look at my OWN behavior, and see what is up.

I don’t have to justify myself. I just am.

It seemed like a big insight for me. That even when I recognize some discomfort, some fear in my life, that I am still on the right path and growing and deepening in the peace I’ve chosen. I guess I used to see the problem as being that of the insensitive other. Now I see the phenomenon as the sensitive me. And when I do that, I have a choice — again — in how I want to proceed. No matter how annoying someone else is acting.

And with that insight I find myself less anxious today. Less irritated, and less agitated.

Anxiety and insomnia are frequent bedfellows… pun intended. WebMD has a nifty little list of tips that may help you regulate your sleep cycle. After doing a considerable amount of personal research on sleep, I have to disagree with #3, “Limit naps.”

It’s my personal opinion that when I’m unable to fall asleep at night, my first priority is making sure that my body and mind are functioning optimally so that I don’t get into a car accident or run into walls. Doing this often requires naps. It’s true that napping will interfere with your sleep cycle, but if you’re a chronic insomniac, getting bits of sleep here and there can go a long way in keeping your body from crashing of exhaustion. Restoring a healthy sleep cycle is often a more long-term goal that is probably best accompanied with help from your physician.

Although I don’t consider myself an insomniac, my anxiety is usually accompanied by problems falling asleep and staying asleep. When my mind is overactive, it’s difficult to slow it down enough to allow my body’s rhythm to drop into sleep. Not to mention that my overactive mind causes my thoughts to go all haywire when I’m trying to sleep, and this in turn only exacerbates the anxiety.

I eventually learned a few techniques that helped tremendously. One of the best was when I decided to try meditating myself into sleep. It works beautifully, but it creates problems during my daily non-sleeping meditation because I’ve associated watching my breath with falling asleep, so I’m often trying to keep myself from nodding off while sitting on the cushion during the day. Another method I use is visualizations. I often imagine my thoughts as a piece of paper, then I visually crumple that paper into a little ball and throw it off into the distance. When my mind begins racing again, I again crumple the paper and chuck it away. I do this until I’ve managed to slow down enough to drift off.

My biggest problem with sleep is that I always want to sleep when I shouldn’t and rarely want to when I should. As they say, the best nap is the one you shouldn’t be taking.

In his book The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hahn says the following:

While practicing mindfulness, don’t be dominated by the distinction between good and evil, thus creating a battle within oneself.

Whenever a wholesome thought arises, acknowledge it: “A wholesome thought has just arisen.” If an unwholesome thought arises, acknowledge it as well: “An unwholesome thought has just arisen.” Don’t dwell on it or try to get rid of it. To acknowledge it is enough. If they are still there, acknowledge they are still there. If they have gone, acknowledge they have gone. That way the practitioner is able to hold of his mind and to obtain the mindfulness of the mind.

This is a practice that you can begin right now. By objectively observing your mind, you can learn to detatch yourself from your inner monologue. When you get caught up in a stream of unconscious negative or fearful thoughts, the result will be anxiety, sadness, or a panic attack. Instead, direct your attention to being an outside observer.

When you labale your thoughts as “good” or “bad” or “nice” or “scary,” you’re not objectively observing and you’re creating an emotional response to your thought processes. A major part of overcoming anxiety and depression is learning not to attribute too much emotional meaning to your thoughts.

Again, the practice of mindfulness requires practice, but do not give up. The rewards are well worth your effort.

Kojo Nnamdi, a radio host at my local NPR station, did a wonderful show yesterday on happiness. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m obsessed with questions of happiness and the science of happiness, so this show was right down my alley. Here’s the show’s description:

You know happiness when you feel it — but do you know what causes it, or how your happiness compares to that of friends and neighbors? We look at the study of what researchers call “subjective well-being” and the latest theories on what makes individuals and nations happy.

You can listen to the show in its entirety by following this link and clicking on “Real Audio” or “Windows Media Player” to the right of the description. It’s free.

The scientists featured on the show have some interesting findings. For one, they found a correlation between money and happiness. In other words, money does make you happy, or so they say. I actually think they’re wrong about this, but only because they’re measuring the wrong thing. Ponder this: when I say “money makes you happy,” what do you think about? Do you think about all of the stuff you can buy? Do you think about a new car or a big house or a swimming pool?

Money brings with it many things, but the material things are only one aspect of it; one of the most important aspects of wealth is security. A feeling of security makes everyone happy because we’re wired for security. We like to know we’re safe and taken care of. When we feel unsafe or insecure, we feel sad, lonely, and anxious. So, given this, I do not believe that being able to buy crap is what brings us happiness, but the feeling of security — as a result of wealth — certainly can.

Listen to the show. It’s good.

I’m not sure what I think about this. This only makes sense if you’re one who believes that all anxiety and depression are congenital disorders. I do not believe this, although I do believe that there may be genetic factors or other congenital factors that may make the likelihood of developing anxiety or depression more likely.

I may be way off the mark on this one, but if I’m not mistaken, an infant’s cognitive abilities are incredibly limited and, for the most part, are dictated entirely by instinctual behaviors. It seems that it would be impossible to determine if an infant had depression or anxiety because it’s impossible to ask them.

For quite some time I was confused about two contradictory pieces of advice. The first piece of advice said that I should try to reduce anxiety by developing a stillness of mind. From my initial interpretation, I had assumed that this meant I should think less. I’d always been hyperanalytical and an extreme overthinker. If it could be delved into deeply, you could guarantee that I’d be delving… until I got bored and decided to delve elsewhere, that is.

The second piece of advice said that I should try to keep busy. The term “busy” could mean many things, but I first took it to mean that I should jump from one activity to the other as quickly as possible without so much as a breath in between. I’ve never been fond of work, and “busy” sounds too much like work for me to get all giddy at the prospect that work will somehow reduce my anxiety. (I always laugh at people who think a ridiculously rigid work ethic is somehow their best character trait. I’ll expand more on this in a later post, I promise.)

So, is it possible to have a still mind while simultaneously being busy?

Absolutely. My problem was in my assumption that busy was synonymous with frantic and disorganized. In truth, an engaged mind is a still mind, but only when you allow yourself to become whatever it is you’re doing. This is essentially the practice of mindfulness, for which I’m an ardent advocate.

Read the rest of this entry »

In my years of navigating anxiety-related internet forums, I’ve often seen the question of pregnancy arise. I’ve always been wary about responding to such questions because I’m a male and don’t have the benefit of personal experience and because there’s very little reliable information to be found on the topic.

Most respondents attempt to assure the woman that anxiety during pregnancy is harmless to the fetus, but that never seemed very logical to me, considering that a developing fetus is very sensitive to everything. But this puts us in a bind: mothers who constantly worry about their anxiety are only going to make it worse, thereby compounding the potential effects on the unborn child. Additionally, if the woman chooses to take SSRIs during pregnancy, this introduces a whole new variable into the equation.

So, to help understand this complicated question, The Anxiety Disorders Association of America has a special feature this month on this very topic. If you’ve ever asked questions about anxiety and pregnancy, this article will definitely be of interest to you.

The Washington Post has a great article on our bad habits and why it’s so hard to change them. Although this doesn’t directly deal with anxiety, it isn’t uncommon for those of us who live with chronic anxiety to also deal with overeating, drinking, smoking, and other bad habits. In addition, we also deal with stress at a much greater level than most people, and stress is a major contributing factor to poor health.

Here’s a snippet from the article:

We’re fat. We smoke. Drink too much. Don’t exercise enough. And our stress levels are off the charts.

We’re killing ourselves, and we know it. And yet we carry on — overeating, lighting up, slumping in front of the television and throwing back another beer — inspiring some of the greatest thinkers in the worlds of genomics, neuroscience, biochemistry and evolutionary psychology to ponder the Big Mac of medical questions:

Why is it so hard for people to change?

Read the rest.

I started writing last year. Short stories mostly, but I also started a novel. I’m sure this sounds familiar to a lot of folks, and pretty much of a “pipe dream” activity. I mean, really — shouldn’t I be doing something more worthwhile?? More sensible??

Thus said the voices in my head … and were echoed softly by various family members. I stayed with it and by August I had two short stories accepted for publication. (You can see one online at www.anderbo.com). The satisfaction and joy in this endeavor has been immense. So, what’s the problem?

Well, sometime around Thanksgiving I just stopped. Boom. Nada. I sit down at the computer and log on to various websites, check my email, play a few rounds of Spider solitaire and then get interrupted by someone and go off on another track. I look back now and its six weeks ago since I wrote down the ideas and stories and scenes that are swirling around my head.

Know what else has been happening? Yep - insomnia, edgy days of almost panic, generalized anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. Hmm. Correlation? Ya think?

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions to improve myself, I try to do that anyway. Living with Anxiety and Panic has been amazing for my health: I exercise regularly, eat vegetarian, meditate and do deep breathing exercises daily. I have good relationships that are mostly happy and very fulfilling. I am constantly learning things, reading books, and I have a wonderful life. This “writing thing” was a gift. I think of it as a gift that the Universe gave to me last year. And so I’m thinking of making a New Year’s resolution to get back to it!

I don’t think I’ve wrecked it, but I certainly haven’t treated this gift with the respect and care that it deserves. And who suffers from this? Me! I’m not talking about blame here, just personal awareness. This is a part of my path. This creativity and success is something that requires me to act, act responsibly and to act consistently. I like that about being grown up. That I act this way. I do it on behalf of others all the time. Now I get the opportunity to do it on behalf of myself. To have the ability to express myself creatively, and have it be recieved with such enthusiasm is also a responsibility. I’m thinking its akin to taking care of my body so that I don’t suffer so much. It becomes a joy rather than an obligation.

So, I’m writing here. And I’m writing in Word, too. And while I’m writing the stories, I’m righting myself. And it feels good. It feels right.

Thanks for allowing me to pun shamelessly!

I watched “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” the other day. I’ve seen it before, but this was the first time I watched it with a critical eye. I’ve always enjoyed Star Wars, although I admit that I’m more of a Lord of the Rings nerd. I’ve always preferred fantasy to sci-fi, although the two have a great deal in common. I say this only to point out that I’m only marginally familiar with Star Wars and its characters.

During my latest viewing, I noticed a lot of neat things that I’ve never seen before. One of the most interesting (to me) was that Yoda’s words often bore a striking resemblance to Buddhist philosophy. I looked it up briefly and I found this article on the Buddhist Channel that explains Yoda’s Buddhist inspiration.

As an example, I’d like to share this one snippet with you. When Anakin Skywalker (who eventually becomes Darth Vader) visits Yoda for advice, Anakin is troubled by visions of his wife’s death. Here’s how the conversation progresses:

YODA: Careful you must be when sensing the future, Anakin. The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

ANAKIN: I won’t let my visions come true, Master Yoda.

YODA: Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

ANAKIN: What must I do, Master?

YODA: Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Take another look at the first line quoted above. If we think of the “dark side” as something a little less sinister, we could easily translate this as Buddhists have done for thousands of years. The fear of loss — or any fear — is a sure path to suffering. The only way to free yourself from the fear of loss is to detatch yourself from whatever it is you fear to lose. It may be friends, family, your job, your health, or even your life.

Yoda was exactly correct when he said that Anakin must train himself to let go. Letting go is not something we decide to do, it’s something that requires a great deal of practice, discipline, and courage. Many people think that detatching oneself leads to apathy, but this is not the case. When I first started studying Buddhism, I was worried that I would undermine myself and others by trying to “let go” of everything. On the contrary, letting go taught me to love more deeply, to anger more slowly, to appreciate more, and to want less.

Another Buddhist teaching that Yoda echoes is on the nature of death itself. Yoda says “Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them, do not. Miss them, do not.” There’s no “Force” in Buddhism, but I suppose one could call it that. From the Buddhist perspective, we do not die because all of life exists on a continuum. Without getting into details of the philosophy, it’s important to note that one’s perspective on death is critical to how one chooses to live. If you believe that death is unnatural and to be avoided, you will live in fear of it. Yet, if you know that this is untrue, and that death is necessary for life, then it becomes easier to cope with.

Yet, with all things Buddhist, nothing comes by belief or knowledge. There is nothing to believe, no gods to embrace, and no dogma to adhere to. Instead, we must all look deeply within ourselves and find that the truths we seek are much closer than we realize. After all, you can’t change reality to fit your preferred vision of it. The only thing you can do is change your perspective to fit reality. It’s the only path to achieve freedom from suffering.

I’ve been away from the blog for a while and my absence was no mistake. I put in for a bunch of leave at work, shut down my computer at home (well… mostly), and decided to take a breather. Unfortunately, anxiety has a way of attacking just as you’ve kicked your feet back for a moment’s rest. It’s almost as if not worrying is a cause for worry.

So, most of my holiday break was spent dealing with a chronic nagging anxiety that annoyed me in the same way that a yellow-jacket does when you’re outdoors in the summer with a refreshing can of Coke or a glass of iced tea. Every time you go to take a sip, you have to look closely at your drink to ensure that you aren’t going to swallow anything… painful.

Trying to relax is about as useful as trying not to panic. Relaxation — in the “vacation” sense, that is — isn’t something you can actively seek. The very act of seeking destroys the sense of relaxation. Instead, relaxation is (at least for me) best described as letting go. When I aim to relax, I aim to let go of everything… temporarily. I think of it like carrying a heavy burden. If you carrying a boulder, you can’t relax without first dropping it. If you’re smart, you’ll put it down for a few minutes, catch your breath, then pick it up again to continue forward.

It was in this spirit that I spent my vacation. I dropped the boulder, plopped my ass on it, and poured myself a glass of iced tea. I then spent the next few days swatting at the yellow-jacket. In other words, the moment I stopped carrying the boulder was the moment I began worrying about how I would pick it up again. Instead of enjoying the freedom of being without my burden, I gave myself something else to worry about. I traded one boulder for another.

But this vacation was not without its successes. I spent a lot of time with my wife, my family, and my friends. Most importantly, I didn’t try to fight anxiety or any other battles. Sometimes the battles make their way to your doorstep, but this doesn’t mean you must always engage them.

The next time a yellow-jacket goes after your Coke, try setting out a small glass just for him and his friends. Of course, be sure to put it a few feet from you. This is a much smarter solution than allowing them to annoy you while you try to relax.