We Worry: A Blog for the Anxious

 

I have been thinking about Fear and how it dominates our press and the affect this has on the anxious.

 

If you are an anxious person then you will be well acquainted with fear.  Any campaign designed to alert us to have a mammogram, (fear of cancer), wear our seatbelts (fear of crashing), be alert to strange unattached parcels in public places (fear of terrorism), eat the right food and exercise regularly (fear of obesity and/or death), recycle our rubbish (fear of global warming), get in stocks of canned food (fear of bird flu), use the correct moisturiser (fear of aging),  will no doubt succeed and send  the anxious out to get the next mammogram or buy out the local supermarket of canned goods.  I find myself avoiding this type of media activity as it feeds my fear, but then of course I fear that I am merely burying my head in the sand .  I can’t win!  I also wonder if the people that these types of campaigns are wanting to target ie those who don’t know about these issues, or don’t care – still don’t know or don’t care?  The only people watching and listening are the anxious (who know all about this stuff already…!)

 

So, how do I try and deal with this overload of fearful information?

• I only listen to commercial radio in the mornings and save the “real” news for later in the day when I am awake and lucid.  Waking to endless bad news cannot be good for you.
• I prefer to read the news rather than watch or listen.  I find TV news unbearable, it is designed for the few second sound bite, contains little information and a whole lot of fear.
• I find talking about what I have heard is helpful. Hopefully someone will be able to challenge some of this information, and might put a different perspective on things.
• If it all becomes too much I’ll turn everything off and have a news holiday and read a trashy book, or go to a feel good movie – anything that helps take me away from news and gloom overload.
• Every now and then I will congratulate myself on the fact that I am a responsible person and doing the best that I can. 
• Sometimes it helps to find out more information, and not just to take what I have heard or read about as gospel.  I believe that information can ease anxiety and help get things into perspective.  (Although you have to be careful with this one as this can lead to a certain obession which isn’t always helpful either).

It is of course important to be careful, to be alert and to be aware of our environment, our health and our political climate.  However, if like me, you are inclined towards the anxious then it is also important to look after yourself - it is all too easy to become overwhelmed.

I have become interested lately in the use of the term “Hypochondria” and have done a bit of trawling on the Internet to find out how we use this word.    I have noticed that a lot of the Blogs on this subject are funny.  You know – you go to the doctor with suspected ( and probably absolute) cancer/heart disease/ near death and find out that it is nothing to be concerned about, and everyone has a good laugh. 

 

Movies and TV also enjoy using hypochondria for a few quick laughs.  Woody Allen has made a specialty of it, there is the resident hypochondriac on the TV sitcom “Scrubs”, and even children’s animated movies have had a go, for example “Madagascar”. 

 

Now you may be thinking that I’m being just a bit overly serious, but I notice that I don’t use the term of  hypochondriac to describe myself, and  I prefer to say that I suffer from a “Health Anxiety”.  However, if a hypochondriac is someone who has an “abnormal anxiety about one’s health” (Oxford Concise Dictionary), then that’s me!  I’m wondering that if we continue to see a hypochondriac as someone to make fun of,  then it makes it even harder for sufferers to get the help and support that we all need.

 

In the end however, whatever term you use, the most important thing as always, is to get this help and support – only then can you regain a sense of humour!

 

I am having an interesting time of it at the moment observing my daughter struggle with anxiety.  I always knew that she got anxious, but now in her early 20’s she seems to be taking a similar path to her mother.  Her worries are different than mine, but they manifest themselves in the same way – obsession to the point of not being able to think of anything else, and then when one particular issue dies down, something else comes up to take it’s place.   

I ache for her, and I want to make it all go away.  I hate the thought that she is going down this path, and I feel guilty. Have I passed this on to her, was it the way I brought her up?  I’m scared that my constant worrying lead to her adopting similar behaviour, but I also know that hereditary factors come into it as well.  I know that I can’t solve this for her, but I desperately want her to learn some of the strategies that have helped me.  I border on becoming obsessed and over involved.  In short I am anxious!   

I remember being her age, how anxiety ruled my life, but having no idea what it was, that it was treatable and that other people suffered the same thing.  I felt alone and quite mad.  I try to tell myself that my honesty with her has enabled her to seek help and deal with this at a far earlier age, and that perhaps this will enable her to cope better than I did.  I also have to remind myself that she is not me – she won’t be feeling everything that I have, and she will find her own way.   

Have other people noticed this pattern in their families?  How do you deal with it, what helps? I would be really interested to hear your thoughts.

Christmas can be lethal for producing stress and anxiety. For some strange reason, it doesn’t seem to affect me this way though, which is quite amazing considering I am generally someone who will find any excuse to get stressed!

So I have been thinking about why I don’t get anxious at this time.   

I have come to realise that I am not responsible for everyone’s happiness. I can provide a nice venue, and hopefully it will be a sunny hot day and we can sit in the sun, relax, eat and chat.

I have stopped inviting people I don’t like, (but always felt I should).

I don’t provide huge amounts of food – everyone brings something and it’s usually a wonderfully ecclectic mix of tastes and gastronomic experiences!

That’s it really, I was hoping for something a bit more insightful when I started writing this, but maybe that’s why it works, as often the most simple ideas are the ones that are the most successful. 

I wish everyone a (hopefully) anxiety free Christmas, and time for feeling some peacefulness and joy.  Although I’m not one for New Years resolutions (because I never keep them), I have realised that I like this holiday period to think about what is important to me, and how I can look forward to a new year.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to write, read and comment on the We Worry Blog.  It feels so good to be part of a wider network of interesting and committed people, and I wish you all the best for the New Year. 

Have a look at the link to flickr and some rather lovely old New Zealand Christmas cards produced by our National Library.

 Meri Kirihimete

Guest blogger Summer writes:

I like to control things. I like to be able to plan things out and know what is going to happen. As my three children enter into the teenage years I am beginning to figure out that there is not a whole lot that I can control anymore. And that makes me anxious. My kids are really good kids and that should make me feel better but there are still so many things out there that could swoop in and destroy their lives. Believe me I have imagined some of the worst.

My husband told me that he deals with things as they come, where it seems I try to deal with things before they even happen. How do I get back to dealing in the moment? Me being the control freak perfectionist that I am, know that I must do these things to lower my stress and anxieties: regular exercise, good nutrition, stop the worrying and turn off the monkey mind in my head. Sounds easy, right?

Did I mention that it is really cold here and my summer walking route is under a layer of ice with more snow expected tonight. My diet is usually pretty good but with all the holiday festivities going on I am more conscious of the fact that everything around me to eat is not what I should be eating. Which either makes me not eat or eat too much of the chocolate fudge that the gals from work bring in. As for not worrying, did I mention that my daughter turns 16 in a month and every night wants to go for a drive (on the ice covered roads). So what can I do? I can still practice my yoga and dig out my old relaxation cd’s. I can write down my anxieties and think of more realistic outcomes. I can go help someone who really does have something to worry about. And I can try to enjoy what is happening today instead of worrying about the future. I can remember that I can only control what is in my power to control and the rest will happen whether I am worrying or not. Maybe then the monkey brain will get the message and leave.

It is easy when you are anxious to forget about those who are near and dear, who cope with the depression, the questioning, the doubts, the pain and the tears.  When I first started experiencing anxiety I was in a new relationship with the man who would become my husband.  I remember the baffled look as I pounced upon him sobbing because he was late home from a trip away, and his futile attempts at reassurance as my  fears of imminent health failure reached a crescendo.  He really had no idea about what was happening to me, why I couldn’t be reassured, and why I couldn’t just get on with things and be normal!   

 25 years on I thought it was a good time to ask him about the ways that he has coped with living with an anxious person, and perhaps what advice he would give to someone in a similar situation.

J: What was your first reaction when you realised that I had anxiety?

SJ: Probably to be worried! And then to think how could I help?

J: What happened for you when you realised that you couldn’t help?

SJ: Well it took many counselling sessions for me to realise that the best thing to do was actively listen, to not offer advice but to just be attentive and talk.  Just hang in.

J: What advice would you give to someone now?

SJ: the best way is just to “be”. It’s about being attentive, making time to be together and to share.

J: How do you look after yourself?

SJ: Having work and pleasure apart from you is important, at the same time as also making time and sharing things with you too.

J:How important is the time away?

SJ:Time apart is important in any relationship, I don’t think it is any more important when living with an anxious person

 J:  What have been some of the frustrations?

SJ: Mainly that I couldn’t wave a magic wand and make it all better.  Also when I get a bit down and tired myself, and don’t take the time to listen and share things with you, I can get a bit frustrated.  Sometimes I worry that I can’t make you laugh.

 J: Are there any gifts from living with an anxious person?

SJ: It has made me develop good ways of talking and listening.  I hadn’t realised that listening was so hard! It’s about really hearing what the person you are talking to is on about, without trying to solve everything.  I learnt to ask open questions, and to encourage conversation rather than to stifle it.

J: We have done couple counselling.  What do you think the affect of this has been?

SJ: I was struggling to cope with your anxiety at that time, and counselling helped me to cope and to look after myself, as well as become really aware of what would help you.

J: Could you have done this without counselling?

SJ: No I would have struggled much longer.

J: What advice would you give to an anxious person?

SJ: I would say to keep talking about it.  Sharing an anxiety or a vulnerability brings people together.

In the end there is no magic answer.  I think that for us it has been about listening, talking, challenging my thought patterns at times, getting help when we needed it, and trusting and respecting each other.  Doesn’t sound any different from any other relationship does it?

There is an excellent article by Dr. Oz in the November “Oprah” magazine about healthy aging. It outlines a 2 week program for healthy living - with an eye toward sustainable living for a high quality older person. I was skeptical when I started reading it (at the hair salon) but was amazed as I got into it.

Along with the standard exercise and proper eating bits, I was struck by how much of the article is focused on meditation, self-awareness and stress-relief. From a medical doctor! Each day there are suggestions on ways to first recognize and then relieve stress. He emphasizes how detrimental stress and anxiety are to the body.

So much of the article, and the plan, are centered around things it has taken me YEARS to learn!! They are simple and easy to follow. There are no large start up costs (although I disagree with his suggestion to buy a blood pressure cuff!) and no fads or fancy things to buy.

Give it a read — I found it very heartening to see such a sound, common-sense and helpful article in the mainstream media!

Years ago my mother gave me this funny little book.  It was called “Self Help For Your Nerves”, by Dr Claire Weekes.  The doctor’s picture was on the cover and even back then I thought she looked old and fuddy duddy.  I was appalled that my mother could consider that I had problem with my “nerves”, and to give me a book written by a dinosaur was even worse!  However, as these things often go, I have found this book (and the subsequent titles) to be invaluable.   Dr Weekes suggests three easy things you can do to ease anxiety.  

Floating
Float towards the symptoms you get … don’t fight them.  You may feel short of breath, have sweaty palms, a sore tummy etc.  Fighting these symptoms makes them worse, just try floating past them and accepting them for what they are, just a manifestation of an anxious you.

Facing
Face your thoughts and fears instead of trying to be rid of them by pushing or forcing them out. The continual fight and self talk is exhausting.  I say something to myself like, “I’m feeling really scared about….” That’s it really, I’m scared and anxious, end of story.  The problem with trying to reason yourself out of an anxious thought are the what if’s. “What if the doctor is wrong’ , or, “what if they have had an accident” and so on. Accept your condition … I tell myself that this is how I am feeling now and that I know it will pass. This can break the cycle of fear.

Letting Time Pass
Letting time pass seems hard, as naturally we want to be better now, but it takes time to heal a broken bone, so why not time for healing a tired and very busy brain?

I keep coming back to this book, I need to be reminded and reassured I suppose.  It is a bit like an old woolly blanket that I can nestle into and feel supported and comforted.

I have noticed a funny thing happening over the last few years.  Many of my friends have an anxiety problem.  Is is because of me?  Perhaps I am contagious?

My suspicion is that once you start talking about your own experiences of anxiety and/ or depression, is gives other people the opportunity to admit that they may have had similar experiences.  Somehow it no longer signifies failure, lack of self control or negativity. It isn’t something to feel ashamed of, and in fact you may find out that your good friend suffers from the same problem!

My friends are without fault a glorious bunch.  Many have had some tough times, and there is something wonderful about knowing people who have struggled with life, but are coming out the other side.  We laugh a lot, and for me that’s what makes all of this worthwhile. 

Kia Ora (hello). This is my first post, and being of a slightly pessimistic persuasion I can’t really believe that it’s going to work. But - I shall throw caution to the wind and give it a go.

As you can tell from the title I live in New Zealand, and even though it’s a country renowned for it’s green image, and relaxed way of life, believe me there are still plenty of opportunities to worry! I think my first experience with anxiety was when I was 8 and panicking that my mother would not come back from shopping. She did, but some germ of an idea had entered my head - bad things can happen.

I didn’t really experience anxiety again until I met my husband, he traveled a lot - and yes, I worried endlessly that he would have an accident, find someone else, or disappear off the face of the earth! Once the children came along I was in full flight. There were endless opportunities to really obsess then, and this combined with a period of intense stress and voila - full blown depression and anxiety in one very foul swoop. For me there is a huge connection between love/loss and control. To love is to let go and to trust - anxiety is not a good bedfellow!

I am now older and sometimes wiser. For me, dealing with anxiety is about letting go and believing that whatever happens, I will cope. This is my mantra, “I will cope”. I have discovered that anxiety for me is about the fear of not coping, and living well is about being able to love fully, while living with the fear of loss. Much of my anxiety revolves around health (I found the blog on self diagnosis to be particularly pertinent!), and no doubt you will hear more from me on this matter.

I’m looking forward to being part of We Worry, I hope that what I have to say will resonate with some of you. There is something rather nice about being part of a bigger group of people endeavoring to live to the best of their ability, even with life being so uncertain and surprising.

E noho ra